Reflecting

A warning to all 0 of my readers, this post might get over emotional and irratic.

So I had an amazing weekend, and by amazing I mean so amazing I can't talk about it anywhere in public. However at the airport on Sunday I noticed my friend had written something on facebook a few days earlier and my eyes pricked up when I saw the words 'nurse' and 'painkillers' of course this because I am a nurse, and my friend is pregnant (painkillers maybe not the best idea). So I sent her a text to see if everything was ok.

The next day on my tea break at work I realized I hadn't heard back and went on her facebook page, and saw some messages from friends and I thought something must be wrong, she hadn't updated her status since either. I figured maybe a miscarriage, so I called her with no answer. At the end of the shift my friend Chris had sent me a text 'have you heard about mel, i'm here if you need to talk'. So i called him thinking again, miscarriage or maybe something else. The exact conversation I don't remember but I know that Mel is no longer with us.

I love biology, I love neuroscience and behaviours. So here is what happened to me when I heard this. My heart stopped, and then started going so fast and loud I could her it. I ran back to my ward and the nurses asked me what was wrong, opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. I just stood there shaking. One of the nurses lead me to a chair and I managed to cry 'my friend is dead and her baby must be too'. I felt parazlized. I felt embarrsassed. My collegues just looked at me with blank stares and didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to say. 'I don't know what to do!' So I sat and made my way into the staff room to call Chris back. I organized a ride home and told my brother he has to stay with me.

My brother took me home and made me a cup of tea, I ate an easter egg. I watched two episodes of community but I didn't know what it was about. It was like my brain had just shut down and I am so glad. I put myself to bed and woke up every hour (not unusual). When I woke up n the morning it all seemed more real. I was hyperventilating, coughing to get more oxygen, I vomited. I cried, I yelled at random objects. I took two valium, I wanted to take more and some lexapro too, I wanted to sleep for days and wake up and everything to feel normal. I slept probably the deepest sleep I can remember, I could hear my alarm but didn't have the energy to switch it off. I woke up ready to face the rest of my emotions, and I was ok. I did washing and cleaning, I tried to keep busy and I had some friends over which helped a lot.

I went to work yesterday, I only cried once in the morning. I loved being at work, it was easier than I expected. I liked looking after people, I felt strong, empowered even. I felt guilt when I got home for being in such a reasonable mood.

I slept well overnight, I had a late early shift so 5.5 hours is enough. I got to work and was crying before I got into the staff room. All it takes is one person to ask if I'm ok and the tears start. The thing I am hating is this general sick feeling I constantly have, chest tightness and my stomach/kidneys feel strange. I can't work. I can't look after other people, I can't look after myself. I'm self medicating so I can sleep as logn as possible. I am relying on other people to make me feel ok. I feel guilt, I feel sick, I feel tired and most of all I feel afraid.

If a 25 year old other wise healthy girl can die like this, who says I can't? This coould happen to me, it could happen to anyone. I sometimes wonder what I would do if someone told me I had say 6 months to live. I always thought I would freak out and lock myself up for a few days and then get out there and make the most of it. The freak out period is done, I feel like I need longer but life can be short. Today I am going to go for a run, I don't want too. I am going to eat icecream and desert and mayve even mcdonalds (i don't want to do this either). I am going to stop counting every calorie that enters my body and weighing myself every second day and hating myself for it. I am not going to 'hide' my tattoos and I'm not going to feel ashamed to like music that not everyone likes. I'm going to complement people often.

I generally do a good job of looking after others, I am goign to be better at it because I am going to look after myself mentaly, not just health wise. Because I coud do the right thing my whole life and die from something completly out of my control. I feel ashamed that it is my job to look after people and i can't cope with these situations. I like to appear mentally strong and at times like this I realize I'm not and that's ok.
I hope everyone is looking after themselves, especially those who work in health care. Its so easy to dismiss things like this, and like mental illness because i guess we become immune to it. We are surrouned by tradgedy but its not out own.