Reflecting

A warning to all 0 of my readers, this post might get over emotional and irratic.

So I had an amazing weekend, and by amazing I mean so amazing I can't talk about it anywhere in public. However at the airport on Sunday I noticed my friend had written something on facebook a few days earlier and my eyes pricked up when I saw the words 'nurse' and 'painkillers' of course this because I am a nurse, and my friend is pregnant (painkillers maybe not the best idea). So I sent her a text to see if everything was ok.

The next day on my tea break at work I realized I hadn't heard back and went on her facebook page, and saw some messages from friends and I thought something must be wrong, she hadn't updated her status since either. I figured maybe a miscarriage, so I called her with no answer. At the end of the shift my friend Chris had sent me a text 'have you heard about mel, i'm here if you need to talk'. So i called him thinking again, miscarriage or maybe something else. The exact conversation I don't remember but I know that Mel is no longer with us.

I love biology, I love neuroscience and behaviours. So here is what happened to me when I heard this. My heart stopped, and then started going so fast and loud I could her it. I ran back to my ward and the nurses asked me what was wrong, opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. I just stood there shaking. One of the nurses lead me to a chair and I managed to cry 'my friend is dead and her baby must be too'. I felt parazlized. I felt embarrsassed. My collegues just looked at me with blank stares and didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to say. 'I don't know what to do!' So I sat and made my way into the staff room to call Chris back. I organized a ride home and told my brother he has to stay with me.

My brother took me home and made me a cup of tea, I ate an easter egg. I watched two episodes of community but I didn't know what it was about. It was like my brain had just shut down and I am so glad. I put myself to bed and woke up every hour (not unusual). When I woke up n the morning it all seemed more real. I was hyperventilating, coughing to get more oxygen, I vomited. I cried, I yelled at random objects. I took two valium, I wanted to take more and some lexapro too, I wanted to sleep for days and wake up and everything to feel normal. I slept probably the deepest sleep I can remember, I could hear my alarm but didn't have the energy to switch it off. I woke up ready to face the rest of my emotions, and I was ok. I did washing and cleaning, I tried to keep busy and I had some friends over which helped a lot.

I went to work yesterday, I only cried once in the morning. I loved being at work, it was easier than I expected. I liked looking after people, I felt strong, empowered even. I felt guilt when I got home for being in such a reasonable mood.

I slept well overnight, I had a late early shift so 5.5 hours is enough. I got to work and was crying before I got into the staff room. All it takes is one person to ask if I'm ok and the tears start. The thing I am hating is this general sick feeling I constantly have, chest tightness and my stomach/kidneys feel strange. I can't work. I can't look after other people, I can't look after myself. I'm self medicating so I can sleep as logn as possible. I am relying on other people to make me feel ok. I feel guilt, I feel sick, I feel tired and most of all I feel afraid.

If a 25 year old other wise healthy girl can die like this, who says I can't? This coould happen to me, it could happen to anyone. I sometimes wonder what I would do if someone told me I had say 6 months to live. I always thought I would freak out and lock myself up for a few days and then get out there and make the most of it. The freak out period is done, I feel like I need longer but life can be short. Today I am going to go for a run, I don't want too. I am going to eat icecream and desert and mayve even mcdonalds (i don't want to do this either). I am going to stop counting every calorie that enters my body and weighing myself every second day and hating myself for it. I am not going to 'hide' my tattoos and I'm not going to feel ashamed to like music that not everyone likes. I'm going to complement people often.

I generally do a good job of looking after others, I am goign to be better at it because I am going to look after myself mentaly, not just health wise. Because I coud do the right thing my whole life and die from something completly out of my control. I feel ashamed that it is my job to look after people and i can't cope with these situations. I like to appear mentally strong and at times like this I realize I'm not and that's ok.
I hope everyone is looking after themselves, especially those who work in health care. Its so easy to dismiss things like this, and like mental illness because i guess we become immune to it. We are surrouned by tradgedy but its not out own.

stupid things patients say part two

'I used to be skinny like you'(Then I had kids/I don't know what happened/I don't have time to excercise)'

The respectible answer to this is 'oh did you/you're not that big

The correct answer is 'if you have children you should lose weight as breast feeding burns 300 calories a day/I'm guessing you didn't get this big from exercise or healthy eating/ how much TV do you watch?'

I am somewhat terrified and disgusted at this. I am terrified because if they are telling the truth it means I too may become obease, and disgusted that if they are lying why would you bother telling me that crap to make yourself feel better.

It's 5 am on a Friday

And I am flirting with a doctor (badly) while I am assiting him put in a male catheter. I know this isn't how life is supposed to be, but I'll take what I can get these days.
Flirting with a guy as professionally as possible while he ever so professionally is holding another mans package.
I feel like my social life is over. I feel like I will be single forever. I really need to start loving work more because it's a warm Saturday night and I am drinking tea playing the violin as I have to get up at 5.30 am and work again.

Things patients say to me once a week part one

There are various things that I get asked daily. Often I think of them as stupid questions, proably not stupid to patients.
Here is my favourite question:

I will be doing something like administering an IV drug that takes a few minutes so there is awkward silence.

Patient:So do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (This either goes two ways, I say yes if the person is creepy or usually a blunt no, to indicate this is none of your business but hopefully you have some hot grandson visiting later today)

Now to the no there are always the same three answers
1) Oh you will meet a nice doctor (um please have you seen these guys)
2) Of course not you are far to busy working crazy hours (yeah thats my excuse too)
3) Don't worry, you are still young you will find someone eventually (I'm not as young as you think I am and no I won't, you are clearly saying that because you pity me)


Now if you are ever my patient a really bad time to ask me this question is when I am holding your genitals (This has happened twice for fucks sake), inserting anything PR etc. Bottom line, its none of your business.

introduction

I've been contemplating making a blog to reflect on my new 'career' for quite some time. I read a book last year based on a London ambulance drivers blog and I thought it was a fantastic idea. Sometimes it's good to come home from a crappy day at work and let it all out, and right now I feel that none of my friends or family have any idea of what it is like for me. There are busy days, fun days, sad days and I meet tonnes of interesting people who all have a story to tell.

So about me, I don't even know if its appropriate to say anything because of confidentiality. Lets keep this strictly business for now.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

Those were the words I was thinking this morning as I attended my patient who I had developed a good rapport with over the past 56 hour work week. She was always lovely and thanked me for being lovely (even with chocolates), and I always insisted I didn't need to be thanked as I was only doing my job. I knew she appreciated my cheerfulness as she was aware I hadn't slept well due to my late/early.

At 1325 (the writing feels stained to the back of my hand) we commenced CPR on her. This was my first resuscitation, something I have dreaded all though my studies, yet somehow looked forward to it with some kind of heroic anxiety, like 'this is it! I am saving someone's life'. Of course the naive thing about this is not everyone is saved. And this was a young joyful patient, someone who made me feel like I was in the right profession. I know her kindness will stick with me forever, and I will always remember to treat my patients kindly because they are all battling and I am on their team.

RIP lovely lady, I know you are with the lord now and I pray your family is going to be ok.